Feedback from my previous post "Holding Back" makes me think my piece may have been a little unclear in its intent. What I was trying to express was that inside us all are truths which need to be released, an inner knowing that yearns to be explored and set free and the more we grow and the more we ask questions of ourselves, and the world around us, the more the pressure rises.
In this time of dramatic evolution, many of us are asking, why? Why am I here, why do I care, why does it happen? What is my purpose? This asking is powerful and on the good days the answers help provide clarity and focus and a sense of wellbeing. The difficulty is coping with the wobbly days.
Seeking and questioning leads to an influx of energy that requires space and time to be processed. If this space and time is not available the energy accumulates in the body, like a pressure cooker, building, building, building.
The challenge becomes how to release the pressure without being self indulgent or needy, how to ask for an ear with which to share ones thoughts when you don't feel able to return the ear because of all that is going on in your day to day. Or how do you trust that through the process of sharing you will in fact feel a release rather than triggering an even greater build up, more questions or a greater sense of not being accepted?
It is not the high that I think we are seeking as we ask questions of the Universe and challenge ourselves to be more, I think it is the peace that we know lies behind the release of our knowing or our essence. Some may refer to this as "living with purpose".
There are so many thoughts and ideas swirling around in my mind. I enjoy learning and growing and asking questions but then I become filled with a sense of urgency to make sense of it all and to turn it into some value for others. There is this space in the cycle where I feel on top of the world and justified in spending time and energy on expanding, but then the cycle turns and feelings of self indulgence or laziness set in and it becomes hard to justify the growing washing pile or the kids using the iPad so I can write in peace, without feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt or unworthiness.
Some days it feels like I am letting the side down. I have tremendous gifts, I have been blessed with intelligence and compassion and a desire to serve and on the wobbly days I wonder what I am doing with it all. On days like yesterday I wonder why I can't just do something that brings in income and supports my family and allows me to be content. Why can't I just get a steady job and stop asking the world so many questions? Why do I feel this urgency to go against the social norm, to reject action that doesn't feel aligned even though in doing so I am cutting off income and all the basic needs on Maslows hierachy?
I don't know the answer but I think it lies in recognising that it is a fluid process and that it is important to keep a level of flow. When I try and block my creativity or me'ness fully and try to conform to others ideals, the pressure builds rapidly and explosion is the result. It is vital for me to have daily practices of release and ultimately it is up to me to make these a priority in each and every day. But on the days that I can't create this outlet to the extent that I may desire perhaps my technique to cope needs to be to reduce the inflow, to not listen to the stimulating podcast or read the challenging blog post that day because I am aware that I won't have the space to process it.
Like a perfect shower it is the mix of the hot and cold, the in and the out, that brings the aaaahhhh!