My fingers have sat poised on the keypad for what feels like hours and before that it was pen in hand hanging over my journal waiting to be allowed to be free. All the while my breath is shallow, my mind cloudy, my stomach tight.
There is a surge of energy urging to be released, threatening to explode of its own accord if I don't let it out quickly. But I am stuck, terrified of the power of what I know lies within and so, I am feverishly trying to suppress it or put it on slow release.
My methods of control are to go for a walk, I have committed to a semi regular meditation practice, I have recruited a writing coach, I am leaning into my business in a way that is authentic and true to my essence, I am parenting more consciously, but the feeling of restriction and angst remains within.
All day today, holding back tears, wandering in a haze, madly busying myself but achieving little and all the while the holding wall is creaking, groaning under the pressure of what is being held back.
The kids leave at 9, they are home just after 3, there are appointments to be made, shopping to be done, people to speak to, bills to be paid, work to be done in these 6 hours when I am an off duty Mum - not enough time to release and be free, not enough time to break the seal and release the energy contained within, so best to just shut down, keeping things contained.
I have no answers, the kids return home in 5 minutes and the Mum routine needs to kick in, and it is not really appropriate for a Mum to be hiding in the garden shed, covered in paint that she has been throwing at the wall with wild abandon or to sit by the fire for hours on end reflecting, releasing, expressing and creating.
My 5 minutes is up.....you will have to create your own ending for this post, I would love to hear what come up with.