Recently I was able to create a magic space for myself to be alone. Away from family and friends, and deliciously, (but with a tremendous amount of angst over how I would cope), away from phone and internet. For 18 hours it was just me and my thoughts, sitting by the river, watching the pelicans feed, without interruption, without the need to be "doing" anything, an opportunity to be completely at my own whim.
I followed this with driving time, by myself, listening to talking books of my choosing, stopping when I wanted to stop and driving when I wanted to drive.
And then 24 glorious hours with my business partner, strategising, dreaming, visioning and manifesting into my potential. Getting on a roll and working in the flow, without interruption other than the need to pee!
Well the shock in returning home, into the midst of full family dynamics was tremendous.
Three days later I can finally see the lesson to be learned, the gift in the shock. It revolves around forgiveness. I need to acknowledge and find forgiveness for the stories I have been telling myself around Motherhood, the way I have compartmentalised it and seen it, at times, as a burden rather than a gift.
I need to forgive myself for wanting to be a Mum and yet wanting to pursue my own interests and career. I need to forgive my husband for wanting to play a more traditional Father role and so nurturing me as a more traditional Mother as an expression of his deep love. I need to forgive my beautiful boys for being twins and in so being adding what I have deemed to be an even stronger full stop to me and a greater pressure to give all to others. I need to forgive my high school for empowering me and leading me to believe that there is significant unworthiness in committing to Motherhood over saving the world.
The wisdom I have gleaned from this experience is that Motherhood is not about a juggle. It is not about putting life on hold whilst you change roles and hoping that somehow, miraculously, when you get through to the other side a life will still exist for you. I am beginning to see that life is a cloth and that Motherhood brings to the table a magnificent array of threads to weave into that fabric. Lessons and gifts that form the very cloth, the being, of who I am and what I bring to the world.
My desire for solitude and space is ok, it, like my roles of Mother, Wife, Friend, Daughter, forms an important thread in my life cloth, but it is important that it does not dominate the fabric. Solitude brings the blue of reflection and calm, Motherhood brings the deep red of love and passion, the green of vitality and new life, the yellow of joy and laughter, the brown of connection and belonging.
I feel blessed to have access to so many different threads with which to craft the beautiful cloth of life.