For the past week I have been on edge. It has been as though there is a little figure sitting on my shoulder, gripping around my chest and constricting my throat. This constant niggle. I have been waking in the night and unable to get back to sleep. Jumpy. Quick to anger. Tense.
I can't remember the last time I laughed. I haven't moved my body in a way that has made me feel energised or vibrant. I have been blah, drab, beige!
Yesterday, I could feel it bubbling over but it was still just a niggle, not enough to really feel its impact, just an awareness. The kids could feel it too, they started tiptoeing around me, niggling at each other and becoming highly sensitive to the smallest things.
Today it came to a head. I awoke to its full force. I felt panicky, shacky, downright shitty.
I thought it was the kids and my hubby, a general introverted overwhelm that I often experience, especially at Christmas, so I volunteered to go and do the last minute Christmas shopping - a diversionary tactic which normally works, getting away from the kids and having an excuse to shop. But it made it worse.
So the kids went off to Mass with Sam and their Grandma and I stayed to wrap presents and get more space, hoping that the crabbiness would miraculously lift. They left and I felt even worse. I missed them as soon as they walked out the door (unusual for me!) and it struck me, wham, like a tonne of bricks. When I stopped to listen to the tightness and the panic I suddenly realised materialism had consumed me like a violent cancer and Christmas spirit had no room to appear.
This year I have not done ANYTHING creative for Christmas. There has been no handmade gift made by the kids for their teachers, not even a hand written card. There are no cookies or homegrown treats made by me for family or friends. No advent calendar and I didn't even decorate the tree!!!
My spirit was trying to tell me something was amiss but I wasn't listening. I am grateful that I am now conscious of why I have felt so crap and that I can encourage the focus of tomorrow to be on the things that matter - the sharing, the caring, the unconditional love, the enjoyment of the moments not the things. Tomorrow I look forwarding to giving and receiving the gifts of unconditional love and laughter in abundance.
Thank you Universe for the gift of clarity and insight, I am blessed.